“They’re not pets, Lily.” Richard rubbed his temples. “I understand why you’re upset. But this isn’t safe.”
“Isn’t it?” Lily perched on the edge of the sofa, hands wrapped around her knees as she pulled herself into a ball. “I’ve lived here for years. Nothing bad has happened.”
Richard gave a concerned frown. “And I’m very glad nothing’s happened. But that doesn’t mean it’s safe. Please tell me you understand.”
“I don’t know why you think that.” Her mouth pressed against her arms so the words were muffled by her cardigan. She tried to look up but every time his gaze met hers she found herself staring back at the floor.
Richard knelt down and placed a hand on her knee. “I love you Lily.” His soft eyes surrounded her.
“I love you too.” She unfolded her body, letting him see the rest of her.
“I want us to make a new home together.” His smile always helped her relax.
“I want that too.” She forced a smile in return as her hands reached to connect with his. He held it to his lips and began kissing her fingers. She felt the warmth of each kiss. “But I hate the idea of leaving them.”
“I know.” She fought the impulse to curl back up again.
“Do you love me?” he asked.
“Yes, of course.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.” She uncurled fully and threw her arms around his shoulders.
“OK.” He gave her a small kiss before heading to the kitchen. She forced herself to keep smiling as she gazed at the living room walls, her walls. She was sitting where she’d eaten her breakfast every day for the last four years.
“Do you want tea?” Richard called from the kitchen.
“Yes, please.” Staying here permanently was never on the cards, she knew that. Not if she wanted a normal life. “I really really love you,” she shouted to Richard for good measure.
A scream burst from the kitchen followed by a mug smashing on the floor.
“What happened?”
His skin had turned white as he gripped the kitchen counter for support, his whole body was shaking. Her favourite mug lay in pieces as tea covered the floor. “It was the little one.” Still gasping for breath, he began rubbing his hand as a red mark spread over the skin. Probably where tea had burned him. “It snuck up behind me.”
“I’m sure Charlie didn’t mean any harm.” She grabbed his hand and put it under the tap. “He just gets curious.”
“Why do you give them names?” He pulled his hand from the cold water and placed it on her shoulder, legs still shaking as he stood in front of her. “This is why we can’t live here. This isn’t normal?” He leant forward to be eye level with her.
“But they need to have names.” She held onto him while his legs continued to shake.
“Why?” he asked.
She opened her mouth but no answer came.
"I think I should go back to mine tonight.” He stood up, legs firm again.
She pressed a hand over his. “I thought you were staying over.” Her disappointment reached out to pull him into her.
He sighed as he pulled away from her. “It’s not safe here.”
“Richard, I’m sorry.” Her hand chased his.
“We can still go shopping tomorrow,” he said.
“Yes please.” Hope spread across her face.
“I’ll pick you up in the morning.” He gave her a brief smile before heading out. “It’s not safe,” he muttered one last time as he walked through the door.
###
Lily loved second hand furniture shops, especially the one in the big warehouse down the road from her. She needed a wardrobe and drawers. Her walk-in wardrobe wasn’t coming with her and the one at Richard’s was full of his clothes. She told Richard she loved the warehouse because of the cheap deals, but really it was the thrill of finding gems among the rows of 80s sofas and slightly damaged chairs. There was something in the big warehouse that would be just right but you never knew what it would look like until you found it, that was part of the fun. Also the prices were great.
Predictably, most of the wardrobes there were made of cheap MDF or looked like they belonged in a gothic fantasy novel. She looked round to check on Richard, who was busy on his phone, before returning to the hunt. After 40 minutes her faith paid off. A solid oak wardrobe and chest of drawers. They didn’t match perfectly, the wardrobe had a teak varnish while the drawers were walnut. But for the price it was close enough.
“These. Definitely these.” She ran a figure along the top of the drawers. There were a few scratches on the back but they wouldn’t be seen.
“They’re a bit big.” Richard looked up from his phone. “I’m not sure the flat has space for both.”
“Combined they’re the same size as what I have at home.”
“Your place is a lot bigger.”
“Yeah, but I’ll still need somewhere to put my clothes,” she said.
“You’re in a two-storey house and it’s just you living there so of course you’d have more space.”
“But where will I fit my clothes?” She didn’t own an excessive amount, but last time she went clothes shopping she’d had to throw out two old pairs of jeans and a dress to get the new stuff in. All bought from sales or second-hand shops, like her furniture. Nothing flashy, it was mostly brightly-coloured cardigans and knitted tops that made her feel happy walking around the house, especially when they were present. They liked bright colours.
He sighed as he put a hand either side of the wardrobe and sized it up like an opponent in the ring. “Maybe one of them would fit next to the bedside table, or in the hallway.”
“But my clothes.”
“What about this one?” he pointed to a combined wardrobe and drawers. Solid wood like the others but with a few more scratches. “This would fit perfectly.”
“Where am I going to fit the rest of my stuff?” She forced an unstable laugh. This item was considerably thinner than the one she found.
He looked for the price tag. “Perfect,” he smiled. “Tell you what, I’ll pay for it. A moving-in present.”
She forced a meek smile. Maybe she could throw some more stuff away, things she hadn’t worn in a while, or put it in storage. “What about the bathroom?” she asked.
“What about the bathroom?”
“I need somewhere to put my make-up, conditioner, tampons…”
“I’ve already got a bathroom cupboard.”
“That’s got all your stuff in it.”
“We’ll squash it all together.”
She hesitated before responding. “Can I at least get a new bedside table?”
“Of course, baby.” He reached out to take her hand in his while leaning in to kiss her forehead. “Look around. You can have anything you want.”
Richard stuck to his word and paid for everything. They got the bedside table into Richard’s car, the wardrobe would need to be delivered.
They were about to head back to his, she reached into her coat pocket for the key, the key he gave her, but her pocket was empty. She checked the other pocket which had her gloves and packet of tissues. Her fingertips searched through the objects until they pressed against the seams, but not a key. Last pocket, felt relief as her fingertips found metal. The relief was short lived as she pulled it out and realised it was the key to her own house.
“Shit.” She re-checked all the pockets again.
“What?” said Richard.
“The key. The one you gave me. Can’t find it.”
“Did you drop it in the shop?” He stared back at the warehouse. “Because they now have my address written there.”
“No. I didn’t.”
“If someone gets that key and my address.”
“Our address,” Lily added.
“Yes. Of course.” He forced his hand into her coat pocket, pulling out her gloves. He then pulled her coat off entirely and started shaking it.
“I think they may have taken it,” she said hesitantly.
“What do you mean?” The worry on his face increased as he handed the jacket back.
“Charlie sometimes likes to hide stuff. The others do it too occasionally.”
“For god’s sake Lily, what have I told you about giving them names?”
“If we go back to mine, I can probably find the keys. They usually leave stuff in the same places.”
“Are you sure?” His face turned ashen.
“It was in my coat pocket last night and I haven’t taken it out since. This is the first time I’ve unzipped the jacket pockets today.”
“Well, you need to go back and find it.”
“Won’t you come in with me?”
“No,” he said in an angry tone. “I’ve got to make sure OUR flat isn’t burgled tonight.”
“I told you there’s no way I could have dropped it in the warehouse.”
Richard said nothing as he got into the car and drove off.
###
She was heading to bed, alone, carrying hot chocolate in her second favourite mug, when the hallway lights started flickering. She stood completely still as her breath formed in front of her, the sudden cold that filled the hallway sent goosebumps across her skin.
“Hello” she called out, but the hallway in front was still empty. She checked behind. Still nothing as the lights continued to flicker. The silhouette of a small boy flashed between the bursts of light. Curly hair fell onto a knitted jumper that looked like it may have been red or orange. All colour had faded from his clothes and skin.
She jumped, causing a few drops of chocolate to spill onto the carpet. “Charlie. Please don’t scare me like that.” She knelt down level with the boy as his image solidified before her. “It’s too late to play.” She reached out a hand and brushed the air just in front of his cheek. Cold tingled across her skin. She’d never found out his age but he looked between eight and ten.
The boy stared silently at her with cold vacant eyes. Lips pressed stiffly together. It was an expression that only she could translate from the many nights studying it. He was happy, but there was a note of worry around his eyes.
“What’s wrong, Charlie?”
His fist was clenched tight as if holding something. Part of his normal games though his grip looked tighter than normal.
“What have you got?”
His hand moved back a little, perhaps an attempt to hide whatever treasure he held. Not a normal part of the game.
“Charlie.” Her voice stopped short of anger as she guessed what was in his hand. “What have you got.” His hand uncurled slowly to show a small key. The spare key to Richard’s flat.
She took a deep breath. “I don’t want to leave either. But I can’t stay here forever.” His eyes gave a small twitch which she knew to be sorrow. She had dreaded this moment.
“You mustn’t scare Richard like you did yesterday.”
He looked down to the floor.
"He’s a good guy and he makes me happy.”
The boy turned his head to the side as she pretended to brush his cheek again.
She sighed. “This could be my only chance to have a normal life. I’m sorry, I know that’s not easy to hear.”
His eyes softened a fraction showing he wasn’t offended. But the deep sadness remained.
“I wish I knew your real name.” His curly hair reminded her of a doll she’d had as a kid, which was named Charlie. She’d tried to research who he’d been but the house’s previous owner had buried its history in a desperate attempt to sell the place. She guessed the house was early Victorian.
The corners of his pale lips drifted upwards slightly. To anyone else his face had remained frozen. But she knew this was joy.
His eyes were two dark orbs with tiny lights at their centre. Bright lights at the end of a long dark tunnel. She’d spent entire evenings staring into that tunnel to the other side. The more she stared the more the light from the other side grew. It reached out to touch her, connecting her to the infinite beyond.
But it wasn’t the realm of the dead that fascinated her, that she’d visit herself one day. It was the gap between worlds she was compelled to study. The doorway, the architecture of the universe in the eyes of a small boy. She could make out flashes of colour moving through dark space within Charlie's eyes. Shapes traversing the tunnel between worlds.
“I’m going to miss all of you.” The others had appeared. Simon, the tall businessman, or at least that’s what she assumed from his suit. Eve, a plump woman in an expensive looking dress. Bonnie and Clyde, who she’d always assumed had been lovers in life. The two didn’t always appear together but there was a chemistry between them when they did. And Ruth, the old woman in a nightgown. Like Charlie, she didn’t know any of their real names. They stared silently with vacant expressions only she could read. Lily looked from eye to eye, acknowledging each of them as she took in their light. Bathing it as it surrounded her. Her friends, her family.
###
Richard’s flat was part of a converted factory. The outer building was over a century old but everything inside was new. The walls were much cleaner than her house although they’d had considerably less time to acquire dirt. It had everything Lily needed to start her new life. A normal life. She sat on what would soon be their sofa. The rug hung on the wall opposite showing a collection of bluish-grey shapes which mingled close to each other against a sandy yellow, a memento of his years travelling.
A big window looking out onto the park had been built on top of the factory courtyard. It was small but it had a playground which would be useful if they had kids. She knew Richard wanted kids one day and she’d always assumed that eventually she’d want them too. That was the normal thing after all.
“Are you able to help me pack up?” In her mind was a growing list of things she needed to sort.
“Sure. Of course.” He smiled but she sensed a hesitation in his voice.
“Is that ok?”
“Of course. It’s fine.” There was still a tremor to his words.
She took a deep breath. “I understand if they scare you.”
“What are you talking about?” He gave an obviously forced smile.
“I know it’s strange. Them.”
“Are you going to sell your old furniture or put it in storage?” he asked.
“I haven’t decided yet.” She stuttered in surprise. “I guess a lot of it will need to go into storage for a bit.”
“I have a mate from work who can get you a discount at a self-storage place.”
“Thank you,” she said.
He went into the kitchen. She heard drawers opening, things being moved around. The sounds became louder as each drawer was being opened with more force. There was a clutter as small pieces of metal were loudly pushed around the drawers. Then silence. She continued sitting on the sofa, scared she’d said the wrong thing. Remembering how she’d given up on finding anyone before Richard came along. Normal had become a paper boat floating down river that she had given up chasing. Who’d want to date someone living with them? Someone who liked living with them? Then she met Richard, he was the first in years to walk into her house a second time.
Finally he emerged, walking slowly back to the sofa. She sat in silence as he lowered himself back down next to her.
“I’m sorry,” he said in a low voice. “I didn’t mean to get angry.”
“Are you ok?” She studied his face for signs of anger but could find only remorse.
“I’m fine.” His smile returned along with his beautiful soft eyes as he put an arm around her shoulder. “It’s sweet how you worry about me.” He pulled her head closer as his mouth reached to meet hers. She allowed his lips to part hers. He often pressed his mouth against hers a little too hard, but his eagerness exited her. He was such a confident person, it was nice to feel him lose control when he touched her. The same eagerness extended to his hands, which were now fumbling to undo the button on her jeans. Normally she’d enjoy such enthusiasm to get her naked, but tonight felt different. Her last encounter with the others, possibly her final goodbye, still lingered in her mind. She grabbed his wrist as he unzipped her jeans.
“Don’t you want to celebrate?” he asked. “Soon we’ll be a proper couple.”
“Of course I do.” She forced a smile.
“So what’s the matter?”
“Nothing.” She still held his wrist.
“You’re worrying about them, aren’t you?” He pulled his mouth away but not his hand.
“No.”
“You’d rather be thinking about them than have sex with me.”
“Of course not.”
“I’m not an idiot, Lily.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be like…”
“Like what? A girlfriend who doesn’t want to fuck me.”
“It’s not like that.”
“Do you love me?” he asked.
“Of course I do.” She released her grip on his wrist.
“We’ll be able to do this every evening.” He continued kissing her neck as his hand moved under her clothes. “The two of us, alone.”
She let out a moan that was partly forced to ease the mood, but she also was enjoying the sensation as his fingers reached between her legs.
She stared at the rug on the wall opposite as her mind pushed the shapes together. A rectangle sat just off the rug's centre. If it moved a little to the right it would press up against the smaller square to form an L. The triangle above could pair up with the one to its left and transform the L into a square. The other shapes around drifted in and out of the gaps. Like the shapes in the tunnel, they became alive. It would never be the real thing, but if she focused her imagination enough she could still pretend to have her own portal in her new home.
“I love you, Lily.” His voice pulled her back to his mortal eyes that didn’t shine with cosmic light. But they were also the eyes of a man who loved her. Bringing herself into the mood, she began moaning softly as he thrust into her. A human response to a human action. And she needed to be human.
###
Packing all her clothes didn't take long. What was harder was sorting all the little things she’d gathered while living at the house: books, ornaments, stuffed animals. Everything that wasn’t coming needed to be sold or put into storage. She called Richard while going through her book collection. “You coming to help?”
“Of course. I just need to sort some stuff first.”
“What stuff?”
“Stuff I need to do.”
“You promised you’d help me.” She looked at the sofa with all its individual cushions that needed sorting. Then the TV and the TV stand. The list was getting bigger.
“I know. But then stuff came up.”
“What time can you get here?”
“Later.”
She let out a groan and heard him sigh in response.
“If I come round, are those things going to bother us?”
“Don’t call them that.” She took a moment to calm her voice. “I need you to go through the kitchen stuff and tell me what bits you don’t have.”
“Will they bother me?”
“Are you still scared of Charlie?” She gave a sarcastic laugh, annoyed by the way he still called them ‘things’.
“I’m not scared.”
“Of course you’re not, honey,” she laughed again, this time more playfully.
“No. I’m fucking serious.” His voice became a jagged blade.
“Ok.” She stopped laughing.
“Do you think I’m a pussy?” The blade's teeth cut through the phone's speaker.
“Of course I don’t.”
“Then why would you think I’m scared?”
“I’m sorry.” Her voice began to tremble.
“What kind of a boyfriend do you think I am?”
“Richard I’m really sorry,” she stumbled over her own words. “Please can you just come over to help me.”
“Later.”
“It’s ok. I understand.” Her throat was closing up. She needed to make it right, undo what she’d said. “I this isn’t…” She took a deep breath. “It’s not normal.” More silence. “Richard?” she called.
When he spoke, his words were slow and heavy like a stream roller approaching. “I’m not scared.” He hung up.
Her panic became a white numbness that started in her face and slowly spread to her arms then down her body as she replayed the conversation in her mind. How had she been so reckless and insensitive? Her body slid off the chair leaving her kneeling on the floor as tears ran down her cheek. The air grew cold and she realised she wasn’t alone. Charlie was standing beside her. His eyes showed a river of sadness that matched her own. She wanted to hug him. She needed a hug so badly but had to settle for placing both palms either side of his cheeks as if to cup his head.
“He does love me,” she said, unsure of who she was trying to convince. “I don’t know where I’ll find someone else.”
His eyes reflected her own helplessness back at her.
“What am I going to do?”
His face lightened as he held out a hand.
She stared at him. “What do you want me to do?” Hesitantly, she brought her own hand to meet his incorporeal body. As she wrapped fingers around his presence, he rushed forward with a speed she didn’t know his kind were capable of. It was like a strong wind pushing against her, but she resisted and let him pass into her. She felt him occupy the same space as her. His cold passed throughout her whole body and she became still, like a rock on a mountainside. Everything was still as if the world had stopped. She felt the tunnel inside her. Felt the shapes passing through it and the light on the other side, a warmth within the cold. She wasn’t ready to pass into that light, not yet. But that was OK.
Outside of her, the world began moving again. The swaying tree in the window, the shadows cast by the sun, all moved faster than normal. The world was moving without her. But that was ok too. She was in the world, and she was in the light, and she was also in neither.
###
It was dark when Richard came over. She smelt the alcohol on his breath as he staggered through the door bringing fear with him.
“Where have you been?” She pretended not to know the answer.
“I had stuff to do.”
“I’ve almost finished packing.”
He ignored her as he walked into the room. “So where are they? Where are the things you think I’m scared of?
“I don’t control them.”
“Don’t you?” He stared at her. “They always appear when I’m trying to help you.”
“You think I’m summoning them?”
“You never seem to want my help. You don’t even want sex with me anymore.”
“What are you talking about? You fucked me last night.”
“Whatever,” he said.
“I asked for your help.” Anger overtook her fear.
“I told you I had stuff to do.”
“I’ve done it all now,” she said.
“So you want me to go?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You were the one who wanted us to move in together,” he said. “Remember, this was your idea,” he smirked. “So where are they?” he demanded.
“I don’t know.”
“Then how am I supposed to show you I’m not scared of them?”
“You don’t need to.” She stopped to hold her anger back. “Charlie doesn’t want to scare you.”
“Stop giving them names.”
“But they have names.”
“No.” He slammed his fist on the table. “They had names. They don’t anymore.”
“Maybe you should go back home.”
“I want to hear you say it.” His eyes darted between the walls as searching for them.
“Say what?”
“I want to hear you say that they don’t have names.”
“Why?”
“Say it!” he shouted.
“No.” She'd given them those names, she would not take them back.
“Do it.” He had never needed restraint.
“I won’t.”
“Fucking say it.” His words became fire.
She took a deep breath and tried to keep her voice calm. “It’s time for you to go home, Richard.” She poured water over his flames.
She never saw his hand make a fist or his arm rise. Her head was suddenly forced back as a flash of white pain spread out from her left cheek. Her legs struggled to maintain balance. She brought a hand to her face as the flash cooled to a red dull ache that grew below the skin. Swollen pain held her eyes closed. She forced them open to see Richard’s face drowned in a horror that reflected her own.
“I’m sorry,” he cried. “I don’t know what happened. I didn’t mean to…I would never do that.”
Her eyes still struggled against the swelling as she looked from his face to the hand that struck her.
“You need to understand, I didn’t mean to do that.” He stepped forwards and she stepped back. The disgust on his face grew as he watched her movement. He stepped forward again and she stepped back, again. Soon her back was against the wall. “I need you to know I will never do anything like that again.”
She stared in silence.
“It’s this house,” he said. “Those things, they make me like this. That’s why you need to move so we can be a normal couple.”
“Normal,” she repeated. The word hung around her neck. Once it had been made of gold, now it was a lead weight that pressed on her chest.
“Let’s leave this place tonight.” He reached for her hand. “We can come back for your stuff in the morning.”
“No.” She pulled her arm away.
“Come on. Let go.”
“No.”
“Don’t you want to be normal?”
“Not with you.” She was done with that word.
“Come with me tonight or I walk away.”
“Walk,” she said.
“This is your last chance, Lily.” The mask of remorse had dropped to show his anger once more.
“For what? To be your punch bag?”
This time she did see the hand curl into a fist. But the blow did not land. His fist froze halfway towards her but it was not him who stopped it. Translucent silhouettes surrounded his arm holding it in place. Charlie, Simon, Eve, Bonnie, Clyde and Ruth.
“Lily.” Pain spread across his face as he pushed against them. “Make them stop.” Marks on his arm showed how tight they were gripping him. “Please, Lily.” Helpless was new to him and he clearly wasn’t enjoying the taste.
She could feel them pushing against him. They moved around him in a staggered motion. Holding a limb for a moment then switching to another position in a blur. She felt the pressure of his skin against their form, his muscles burning red hot as they struggled for freedom, the stiffness of his bones against their grip. She felt them as if it was her hands holding him in place. Her will stretched through the tunnel to overcome his brute strength. Simon held his right arm then moved to his left shoulder. Charlie gripped round his waist then to knee. Ruth helped Simon with the arm then moved to gripping his head, before going back to the arm. With every pause their blank eyes locked onto his.
“Please stop,” he cried.
She stared at his fist, trapped in mid-air yet still pointing towards her. “I’m done with you.” Without fear her rage was free to blossom. They sped up around him so she could no longer identify the blurs of light as they held him frozen in place. He gasped for air as pressure against his chest overcame him.
“Please.” He pushed the word through as he battled for every breath. But it was too late, she’d already wiped away the last of her tears. Charlie and others moved in a circular motion, becoming a single entity of light that consumed him. They became the tunnel to the beyond. He screamed as darkness filled the space around him. She couldn’t tell if he was screaming from pain or fear. It didn’t matter as noise poured from the tunnel drowning out Richard's cry. It was a whirlwind of voices chanting, singing, screaming. Layer upon layer of voices talking in languages she didn’t know. Her own voice among them, pushing him into the void. Richard screamed as his image blurred, his outline merging with the tunnel, his face dissolving away until he was just another shape moving through the void. And then in a single moment the tunnel collapsed into a pinhole of light that faded to nothing.
The others stood around the room for a moment before slowly moving off to resume their activities around the house. Lily sat and stared at the wall where the giant tunnel had opened.
She was alone and she was with family. She was normal and she was a freak. She was human and she was more.