The following message is a service of Intergalactic Global Communication Systems.
Greetings, people of Earth.
Everyone on your planet is receiving this message. Each of you is hearing it in your specific language. I must say, this world has quite a diverse population.
Let me introduce myself. I am Gorion Alvaceta of the planet Blath. I recently bought your planet at the Newly Discovered World Auction. Before you start panicking, I assure you that I am not one of those buyers who purchases planets just to enslave the population or confiscate all the resources. My business strategy will be beneficial to both you and me.
I plan on making some repairs and improvements to your world and then reselling Earth at, what I hope will be a sizable profit. You get a much better world to live on and I end up making a lucrative deal.
For now, you can all go on living your normal lives. I will be in touch once I have met with the planet inspectors and whatever contractors I need to employ to refurbish your world.
Have a nice day,
Well, we seem to have a little problem. I’ve met with a couple of contractors and it appears that this place is in worse condition than I thought. Repairing the o-zone is going to cost almost double what I paid for Earth. The cost of cleaning up the oceans is nearly as bad. I don’t even want to hear what they are going to charge for removing all the plastic.
I hate to say this, but I might have to reconsider my strategy. Please, go on with your lives. I will be in contact when I figure out what I will do next.
I’ve thought it over and I think I can still make a decent profit from this venture. Unfortunately, I am going to have to alter my original plan and strip the Earth of all its valuable metals and resources. I know you are probably going to be upset about this, but I don’t have any other choice.
I’ll try to conduct the mining operations as unobtrusively as possible. I fully expect you to offer resistance. It would be better for all of us if you didn’t. Trust me, my mining ships will be well defended and I have access to weapons that are far beyond the scope of your technology.
Please, just sit back and let me do my job. When I am done, you will be able to resume your normal lives, except for the complete and utter absence of valuable materials.
Okay, what is wrong with your planet? I’ve searched the entire thing from top to bottom and can’t find anything worth taking. The stuff you consider valuable, gold and silver, are nothing but soft metals. They have no real worth other than being shiny. Diamonds are a little better, but the more advanced planets have been making larger and better artificial ones for centuries.
I thought that maybe I could find new power sources on your planet but that ended up being another dead end. Uranium and Plutonium can give off a little energy, but anti-matter is much more powerful and infinitely cleaner. The best energy source I could find was those little habanero peppers. Now, they have some kick. But they won’t be profitable. You see, there just isn’t any money in renewable resources.
So, the whole stripping your planet thing has turned out to be another dead end, an expensive dead end. I now find myself needing to not only make up the cost of purchasing this planet but also everything I invested in the mining machinery and ships.
I’ll see if I can think of something else.
I have bad news. I’m sorry, but I think the only way I can come out of this without going bankrupt is to sell off Earth’s population as slave labor. There’s a mining company in the Zeta Quadrant that needs as many workers as I can provide. It’s a dangerous and deadly job. There is almost no chance that any of you will survive for more than a few days but you can take pride in doing an honest day’s work for as long as you last.
Transport ships will arrive on Earth in the next couple of days to begin collecting you. If you will kindly make your way to the twenty most populous cities on the planet it will make the extraction fairly easy.
See you soon,
Okay, I give up. Who would have ever expected that a primitive bunch like you would be able to put up so much resistance? Your weapons aren’t much but you sure have a lot of stick-to-itiveness. I can’t afford to hire any additional soldiers or warships. To be honest, I find myself flat broke.
I’m going to take a few days to figure out what my next step will be. My prepaid plan with Intergalactic Global Communication Systems only allows me one more message.
Until next time,
There’s an old Blathian saying: “If you can’t blast them into little puddles of goo then you might as well be assimilated by them.”
Since I can’t afford transport off of Earth, I’m just going to settle here. I’ve taken on a new identity. I don’t want anybody coming after me as revenge for trying to enslave all of you. It’ll be strange living as a simple resident of a planet I own, but there’s not much else I can do. I pawned off my last couple of computers and have scraped together enough money to buy a two-story brick house in a suburb of a major city. The real estate agent says it’s going to need some work, but I think it’ll be a fun DIY project.
Have a great day, fellow Earthlings,