Image Dating Online, Ltd. (IDOL) Standard #1: If you can market yourself, you can market anything.
Dan turned around, shivering in the chill air despite wearing his thickest overcoat and gloves. A young Asian woman, slim and petite with shimmery shoulder-length jet-black hair, stood before him, wearing a black leather jacket and blue jeans. “Yup. Are you May?”
“Your last name’s Green?” Dan chuckled, puffs of foggy air escaping his lips. “Not what I expected.”
“No, I...” Dan cleared his throat. “Anyway, it’s finally nice to meet you after all those weeks of late-night dashing.”
“No problem.” Dan smiled. “Though I was a little worried at first.”
“Well, your profile pics were so good, I told my friend Colin they were probably stock photos,” Dan admitted. “Or altered.”
“No, no, definitely not,” Dan said, flustered. “What I meant to say was that you never know who you’re going to meet online. You’re, uh, the first girl from IDOL I’ve met in realspace.”
Dan rubbed his hands together, trying to keep them warm. “Do you mind if we go inside?”
“Yeah, aren’t you?”
The front doors slid open as they entered. “How did your week go?” May asked. “Anything interesting at work?”
IDOL Standard #2: Understanding and engaging your partner is essential for achieving KPIs.
“I thought agoraphobia was more widespread. My condo’s full of hermits,” Dan remarked. “There are way more people here than I would’ve guessed.”
“Not worried. Surprised, maybe.” Dan shrugged. “Maybe I’m just out of touch, but I thought malls were dead.”
“Greendale? That’s where my company’s headquartered.”
“Yeah, they’re a management consulting firm. I’m an analyst there.”
“Not often. I only go to the office if a client wants FTF time and the manager needs elbow support. Hey, you said you were in advertising, right?”
“I’m sorry, what was that?”
“Take your time--”
“Hey, where are you going?” Dan called out.
Bad timing, May thought.
May flexed her fingers and rotated her hand back and forth. Despite the tremor, her hand seemed to function properly.
May spoke slowly, but the words still came out with a struggle. “I--I--I--I’m okay. I’m okay. I just need a mo-mo-moment.” She closed her eyes.
“Thank you.” May frowned at herself in the mirror as the woman left. Finally, the tremor stopped. “Okay. Benning’s. We’re going to Benning’s, and I’m going to confirm what he likes.”
IDOL Standard #3: Demonstrating your ability to handle food and drink is an integral part of social interaction.
“The bar. I see a couple spots in the back,” May replied.
A broad-shouldered man with slicked black hair hustled to greet the pair. A brightly colored logo was splashed across his tight black t-shirt in bold typeface. “I’m Armand. What can I get you?”
“Mojito,” added Dan.
“I’m curious,” Dan asked May, “why here?”
“My friend Colin--the guy I mentioned earlier--he came here recently with a girl he met on IDOL. I think her name was Nicola? Anyway, she suggested FKBK too.”
“No, we’re already here.” Dan swiveled on his seat, surveying the room. There were quite a few couples: well-dressed men in sport jackets and women in low-cut dresses sitting with a variety of attractive partners. Smartphones and other personal devices littered their tables. “A lot of dates here.”
“But half of them are just staring at their devices or whatnot plugged in.”
Armand returned, setting the cosmopolitan and mojito on black stone coasters. “Here you go.”
“No problem. You ready to order?”
“Sure. Scan this QR code to get the menu.” The bartender gestured to a placard on the countertop before turning his attention to the blonde, who was now drunkenly muttering to herself.
May crossed her legs, letting one pink sneaker dangle. “Yes, during the day. It functions like a café.”
“We’re in the Waterfront neighborhood. All the seafood dishes are popular.”
“The simfish alfredo pasta.”
“Something like that.”
“It’s not healthy for people to be indoors all the time.” May paused. “Dan, I’m sorry about earlier, when I ran off for a bit in the mall. I wasn’t feeling like myself. I guess I’m not used to going out yet.”
“More in recent days. IDOL’s a great excuse to meet guys.”
“You look concerned, Dan. Did I say something weird? You’ve got to tell me so I can communicate better.”
“Anyway, it’s great to be out. I think I’ve hit e-sports saturation.”
“Two years.”
May shrugged. “Never.”
“The simfish alfredo pasta,” May replied.
“Got it.” Armand turned away, speaking into a blinking earpiece.
“We’re at a bar. Deep frying kills off everything. Including the bacteria.”
“If FKBK can’t make fried food, forget it. I’ll try the ‘simfish’ or whatever that stuff is some other time.”
#
Dan cleaned his lips with a napkin. “Man, I’m stuffed.”
“Definitely. Next time I’ll try something a little more exotic than fried fish.”
“Wow, harsh.”
“No, no, it’s... it’s cool.” Dan chewed his lip thoughtfully.
“I think you and I need to get out more. Why don’t we hang out again next week?”
Armand appeared, holding a small electronic device in his hand. “Check’s here.”
“Thanks, bud.” The bartender nodded and walked off, his attention now on two men that had just sat down at the other end of the bar.
“Dan, I had a great time, but I should head home soon. It’s getting late.”
“No, thanks. Don’t worry about it.”
“I’ll take care of it.”
“Don’t look so disappointed.” May stood up and leaned in close. Her cool lips brushed Dan’s ear. “Listen, I’ve got some fun ideas for next time. Okay?”
“K. Be safe now.”
“I’m not worried!” the man replied cheerfully. “Are you worried?”
#
May sat back down after Dan left. Armand returned with a glass of water, placing it on the bar counter. May downed the entire glass at once.
“Dan made purchases at all 4 targeted locations, so all clients’ goals were met,” May replied silently, staring at the condensation still clinging to the glass. “_IDOL’s consumer model calculated that the probability that he’ll maintain a viable connection with me exceeds 98%.”
“It also induces a high rate of misogynistic, condescending behavior.”
“Not today.” May looked up. “_There’s an issue, though. I had a few rough ‘conversational transitions’ earlier today. It’s unconfirmed if they were related to the glitches.”
“Yes. The IDOL firmware patch we were told to download this morning. It’s defective.”
“Do you see this?” May pushed the empty glass toward the bartender with tremulous fingers. “It just restarted a few minutes ago. It’s been happening on and off since this morning, after I met Dan. Fortunately, he was too excited going out with me to notice.”
“Yeah, another appletini,” the woman mumbled. “Make it strong.”
“I hope they didn’t botch the implementation again.” May blinked. “IDOL’s firmware must be reliable if they’re going to send expert conversationalists like Nicola and me into the field.”
“Thanks, babe,” the woman slurred. “I’m sure it tastes... really good.” She fumbled with the stem of the glass, splashing some of the booze onto the tabletop.
“Ugh, really? No way...”
May nodded. “Sure. And if she notices anything, I can attribute it to alcohol consumption on my part. Or hers.”
May nodded. Sighing--another human tic she’d learned from IDOL’s chatbot field manual--she faced Alison, who was now resting her chin in one hand and poking at the lime garnish in her drink with the other. “Hey. You seem bored,” May ventured.
“I’m May. Do you want to chat?”